I am going to be giving too many personal details about my life and in the past I would have thought “I hope no one who is too close to me reads this or no one who is directly involved in these situations reads this”, but I’m practicing some new things in my life to deal with my anxiety and transparency is one of them, so let’s be transparent.
I was trying to come up with some topic to write for the blog and I wanted something honest, something intimate that maybe not many people knew. I wanted to share that something, but I could only think about one thing. I don’t know why, but at the time I was just reminiscing about life, something I do very often, more often than I should. So I went on thinking about that which led to me remember that on my 23 birthday… I don’t think it was my birthday, but I was 23 at the time. I came across this page www.futureme.org where you can write an email to yourself and you decide when you want to get it, so I decided I wanted to get it on my 25th birthday. I realized that I had written this email to myself almost two years ago (it will be exactly two years in October, 2015) and pretty much nothing has changed since then.
I don’t remember the exact things I wrote, I do know I focused on saying things like “I hope you’re over THIS person” and I know why, because at the point I was really heartbroken and I was hurting a lot, too much actually. I was mostly fixated on that feeling, I just wanted to be over that person so badly, I felt the need to escape from all of that, he was everywhere and it was just a constant reminder. I was like really in love with this person and I just didn’t desired to be anymore because it was just so painful. So I wrote things like: You’re going to be over him! You’re going to be doing so good and you’re going to be doing this and that, independence and all of that.
Well, I am better, almost two years had gone by and I’m not heartbroken anymore, I’m not hurting anymore, I don’t feel pain regarding that matter anymore, but (and right now I just asked myself “Am I in love with that person? Still?” followed by a long pause) even though so much time has gone by and I’ve been through so much; there’s been new people in my life, I’ve grown so so much, like so much. Even though that person is also with another person, for a while now he has been and we’ve both have changed… I’m still trying to look for the answer “No” in my mind. I have to admit I think I still am and that brings me to what I wanted to write about.
We spend so much time trying to get away from our feelings and not accepting them, just holding onto things we cannot control and I didn’t mention this in the letter to my 25-year-old self. I just kept saying how things would be like and I didn’t’ know how things will be like. I still don’t know how things will be, I know how things are and no, maybe at the time the resolution for my broken heart wasn’t just to be over him, but to accept things as they were and just move forward. I thought “You’re not going to be into that person anymore, you’re going to be fine and you’re going to find someone else that loves you”. I did found someone who loved me and I couldn’t, I just couldn’t replace someone in my heart with somebody else even though I wanted to so badly, but that’s not how things work.
You just have to love yourself more and not force it just because you fear being alone or you’re looking for an easier way to be over someone. Instead we should appreciate who we’ve become and everything we’ve learned from it. Accept how things are, accept that you cannot change or control your feelings, but you can learn to live with them and you can learn to be better because of everything that you feel and everything that you’ve been through. I might still love him, but I also know that I can’t and don’t want to be with that person right now, because of so many things, but maybe the love that I have for him makes me a better individual and helps me cope with harder things in life. Maybe the fact that I love him means that I can care for someone else too and maybe when I’m ready to love someone else I know that I can give it my all and fully be capable of loving. As for now, I’m still learning things about me everyday, I’m becoming the best version of myself and hopefully someday I’ll find someone who inspires me the way he did and let’s me be an inspiration to him as well.
“Pick the day. Enjoy it – to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come… The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present – and I don’t want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future.” – Audrey Hepburn
* This was written in English for a sole purpose and wasn’t translated to avoid alterations to the tone it was intended to be in.